Embracing the Shield: The Journey of a True Warrior

"Don't go to war with yourself; simply inquire into who you are." ~ Adyashanti

Our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness, our Achilles' heel. I had a coaching session recently where we talked about my ability to adapt and how I am really fucking good at it, but we also talked about how that strength is literally choking the life out of me in the current season of life.

This year has been a hard, heavy one for a plethora of reasons, and I did a really good job at adapting as I had to in order to keep the ship afloat. Combine that with my ability to dissociate from emotions and I can sail the ship pretty far on my own without tiring. I warrior-up, if you will, but I rush into battle with my sword swinging and forget to pull out my shield and rest along the way. I forget I am not invincible and eventually collapse on the battlefield, bloodied and defeated. As my coach put it, I become directionless. I simply respond to life without actually living it. In those moments, I go to war with myself. I struggle to connect with my authentic self. My negative beliefs invade, and I tell myself to get her ass up off the fucking battlefield and keep fighting no matter how many arrows she takes and how much blood she loses. Instead of learning to lean into vulnerability and set some things down, I burn myself out. I leave myself susceptible and vulnerable with no protection. I believe that if I battle hard enough and take all the arrows, then no one else has to and I am protecting my people. The truth is, they also suffer because they don't get the best of me.

I pride myself on being a badass warrior, and I think the stigma around being a warrior, especially as a female, is that we martyr ourselves. We sacrifice all of ourselves for the good of others. We wield our sword with pride and forget that we also have a shield, and sometimes we have to deflect the arrows being hurled at us. We have to be adaptable and roll with the punches. We have to hold the world and do so without crumbling under the weight of it. That's what makes us strong warrior women... which is complete and utter bullshit. It's a lie that we've been taught to believe since we were born, and I am learning how to break the lies and show up as a true warrior.

What I am beginning to learn is that a true warrior knows when to set down her sword and pick up the shield. The shield is not a sign of weakness; it's actually a sign of one's own strength. It takes a lot of vulnerability for one to admit that they cannot rely on their own strength and instead have to rely on the strength of the shield to protect them for a moment while they rest and block the arrows being hurled at them from the other side.

My body is really good at telling me when I’ve been wielding that sword a bit too long. I just tend to ignore it or tell my body to suck it up and keep going. I literally carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was feeling it deeply this week, and it was getting hard to move my neck, so I scheduled an appointment with the amazing traditional Chinese medicine practitioner our family adores. During the session, she commented about my body holding, and I could feel the tears welling in my throat. Someone who could physically see what I was feeling so deeply inside—holding the weight of the world, holding the responsibilities, the grief, the fear, the emotions. The needles unwinding and releasing the muscles a bit. I could breathe for a moment, pause, and set my sword down. As I laid there with needles penetrating my skin, I could feel myself exhale and my body become light. I was able to rest and pause... I was able to hold up the shield so my body could be tended to and get some much-needed relief and healing. I could feel the weight of what I’ve been carrying lighten.

Mastering the art of being a skilled warrior goes beyond mere physical combat prowess; it delves into the intricacies of our inner selves. It entails a profound understanding of our own strengths and weaknesses, our fears and desires. Instead of engaging in constant battles within ourselves, true mastery lies in recognizing when to embrace our vulnerabilities and shield ourselves from self-destructive tendencies. It involves a journey of self-discovery, a quest to unearth what truly nourishes our souls and sustains our spirits amidst life's challenges.

Learning to navigate this internal landscape is a gradual process, marked by moments of introspection and growth. It requires patience and self-compassion to acknowledge our limitations and strive for personal betterment. Just as a skilled warrior knows when to wield a sword and when to raise a shield, so too must we discern when to confront our inner demons and when to seek solace in self-care practices.

Admitting that this journey is not always smooth is a testament to our humility and willingness to evolve. Embracing the learning curve with an open heart and a determined spirit paves the way for profound transformation and self-realization. Each step taken towards understanding ourselves brings us closer to the essence of being a true warrior - not just in battle, but in the conquest of our own inner conflicts.

So, friends, here's to learning to warrior well and embracing vulnerability. To learning when to lay down a sword and take up a shield. Here's to distinguishing false beliefs. To remembering not to wage a war against ourselves but rather inquire about who we are and what we need. Warrior on, my friends!